Giraffe, the restaurant, reviewed

There is a benchmark for adult dining, but you have to forget it when you go out with kids. Their food quality threshold would easily be reached with a plate of mush served in cardboard boxes by a teenager with more stars on his chest than the Manchester City crest, and a pair of big yellow arches over the door.

Do our kids resent this? Do they heck. They lap it up. I’d prefer to torture them with difficult choices. But actually the real reason Giraffe is actually right for us is because they’ll look after you and make allowances for what a pain in the arse we are. They also bring a jug of water once our tribe demolish their fruity drinks.

But we aspire higher, foolishly.

We have 5 sons – all under 10 - and we like to eat out. We only hope they have something of a good time, don’t throw a complete hissy fit and get well fed. We’ve attempted this all over this sceptred isle and we’ve been on holiday with them in Italy and France. Don’t believe the hype, by the way, that the French welcome kids, and the English don’t. The reverse is true. Even the skankiest English pub throws a box of crayons at the young diners to bridge that attention span between expectation and delivery of food. The French give bored kids a hard stare, a steak knife and a wine glass as props to ease boredom.

Taking our rabble anywhere is a feat in itself. Sometimes guerrilla tactics are employed to secure a beach head. Our party will despatch the best dressed child and the most presentable adult to enquire as to a table for 7. When the space is confirmed, the all clear beckons a motley crew in football shirts and combat gear to fill the table.

Giraffe in Spinningfields is easy and is a good spot after the theatre or a trip to the Science Museum. We’ve been here a few times now and I can honestly say I’ve never had a really good meal.

The Missus has – she was euphoric about her Sunshine Powerfood Salad with pumpkin, beetroot, beans, seeds and a herby dressing. My Big Greek Burger is well done (they didn’t ask) and the Focaccia bread rather overwhelming. But it isn’t about us. It never is.

Giraffe is good because they’re geared up for kids. They greet you with a smile and seem to mean it. They have the crayons and puzzles, they have the décor, which is fine. But though Giraffe has this global vibe (‘a flash of colour to your palate’), the very basic kids menu doesn’t really reflect this at all, so the options boil down to chicken, burgers, pizza and pasta.

Do our kids resent this? Do they heck. They lap it up. I’d prefer to torture them with difficult choices. But actually the real reason Giraffe is actually right for us is because they’ll look after you and make allowances for what a pain in the arse we are. They also bring a jug of water once our tribe demolish their fruity drinks.

Every parent wants to tell you their pride and joy isn’t a fussy eater and that you’ve failed if yours are. Ours definitely are. Well, some of them. We have to ask them very nicely, pretty please, if we can have plain pasta with some grated cheese on, because he doesn’t like tomato sauce. No problem.

We have to ask if they’ll do a chicken burger without mayo. No problem.

The chips are crunchy, the chicken pieces are well cooked and lean, both on the pieces and for the one in a burger. The pasta is just so and the cheese melts around it. Two order pizza slices and say they don’t like it. They aren’t hungry enough. The eldest hoovers them up with gusto. They clean their plates and like their food.

Here’s the next test of an invasion by our horde. What do young lads want to do when they’ve finished? Crawl under the table, play football, explore, be young lads. We order the bill speedily to cut this down to a minimum without giving our youngest and slowest a complex. Usefully, Giraffe has a toilet some distance away from the restaurant. This eats up time. So does the chance to run around outside before we’re informed this has cost us £51.20.

But do you want to know why we come back here? Because they’re nice to our children and don’t look at us like we’re the beast with seven heads.

Venues are rated against the best examples of their kind: fine dining against the best fine dining, cafes against the best cafes. Following on from this the scores represent: 1-5 saw your leg off and eat it, 6-9 get a DVD, 10-11 if you must, 12-13 if you’re passing,14-15 worth a trip,16-17 very good, 17-18 exceptional, 19 pure quality, 20 perfect. More than 20: Gordo gets carried away