Child Psychology Q&A

Paul Kelly is an assistant educational psychologist working in the North West of England. He received a masters degree in educational psychology and is currently studying for a professional doctorate in child and educational psychology at the University of Manchester.

Paul works part-time for a Local Education Authority and part-time conducting private work. He is a member of the AEP (Association of Educational Psychologists) and the BPS (British Psychological Society).

He is experienced in individual therapeutic work with children and teenagers, conducting psychological assessments, and offering support and advice to parents and schools. (All answers provided are based on the information provided and do not in any way replace a full consultation.)

Q. I have a six-year-old daughter and a two and a half year-old son. My son keeps hitting, biting and pulling her hair. I have told my six year old to ignore him and walk away as she was retaliating. We put him on the naughty step but this doesn't seem to be working. What can we do to help him with his behaviour so that he stops hitting, biting etc?
Valasker, Stockport

A. It is a common problem to have young children biting and pulling hair and dealing with it in a calm way is vital to eradicate this behaviour. Firstly, you should rest assure that the strategies you have tried so far are a good way of dealing with this issue. If your six-year-old can cope with ignoring this behaviour this will be helpful as will having a 'time out' for your son. I would recommend a 'time out' which is age appropriate, ie. one minute per year of the child's age; so for a two-year-old, two minutes should be plenty.

The behaviour your son is showing is a form of communication and as a preventative measure I would recommend developing his language as much as possible through lots of talking and the use of 'descriptive commentary'. This is where the parent plays with the child, letting them taking the lead, and the parent gives a running commentary of what the child is doing (eg. "You are putting the car on the track, wow it is going faster and faster!"). When he does bite or pull hair try to ensure that your daughter (or whoever he has hurt) gets more attention than he does at that moment. In your question you say 'this doesn't seem to be working', I would say 'it isn't working yet but it will soon'.

Q. Our six-year-old stopped wetting the bed about two years ago but has started again recently, not every night but at least three times a week. How can we stop this happening?
Sarah, Heaton Mersey

A. Bedwetting is a common problem for children under the age of ten, with one in ten of them experiencing this at some point after they have become dry at night. It is often related to worry or anxiety which can be triggered by change in the child's life.

Maybe your child has experienced a change in their life which they view as being important (even though it may not seem huge to an adult). Try to give them as much support and nurturing as possible while they are going through this stage. Also try not to make an issue of the bed-wetting with them directly as this is only likely to exacerbate the situation. Chat with your child to try to find out if they have something on their mind and give plenty of reassurance. Bed-wetting can sometimes have underlying medical reasons and if you are concerned about this it may be worth checking it out with your GP.

A. At age four, your son is being very honest about his feelings and is not yet able to hide these or understand how it makes you feel to hear his thoughts. It sounds like he is checking with you that he is still important to you and from what you have said, you are working hard at involving him and doing everything with the new baby. This is a good idea and try to balance this with spending some 'special time' with your son when baby has a nap - even if it is only a couple of minutes to look at a picture book together. Keep reassuring him that he is special and important and that baby needs a lot of looking after just like he did a few years ago. If you have some photos of your son as a baby, show these to him and explain that you had to give him a lot of time and looking after at this age too.

Q. My five-year-old daughter has been fine at school up until the last few months. The teacher has told me that she has become very aggressive towards her fellow pupils, shouting at them when they don't play the games she wants to play. I am really shocked and upset by this. How can I stop her from being such a bully?
Maria, Whalley Range

You mention that your daughter is being aggressive at school, I wonder if this is physical aggression or verbal aggression? If it is physical aggression or verbal aggression then I am sure that the teachers will follow the behaviour policy of the school, dealing firmly with the unwanted behaviour whilst helping her to find better ways of communicating what she wants to play. If your daughter enjoys stories it may be worth scouring the internet or a book shop for a story or two which deal with the issue of playing well with others, turn taking etc. Reading these stories together can be a fun activity and there is no need to directly address the problem with her during the 'story time'- she will pick up the moral of the stories and it may help her to make sense of the situation at school. Separately it may be worth asking her how things are going at school and seeing what her point of view is. Lastly, from what you have said, it doesn't sound like she is a 'bully' - try not to think of this behaviour in this way, instead look for ways to help her to communicate better with her friends and learn how to suggest games she wishes to play and how to accept at other times that she could join in with games that other children have chosen.

For more information about Paul Kelly's services please visit:paulkellypsychology

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